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Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
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05/17/05 | 05:37pm
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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05/16/05 | 01:54am - You're not the random hookup kind of girl
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but i keep filling the place. I had an AMAZING weekend. Meg was great. frat craziness pretty good. minus greg drool on my pillow. I love my breasts. I love my hair. I almost like myself. Minus that nagging part that makes me wanna like hurl. Oh and I did get to second base. I discussed it with marsala. so yay. In other news chilled with the peter tonight. he was in good spirits, i was sleepy. we watched movies. hanging out with meg weds, marsala thurs and fri. oh and my cell phone like crapped out so bleh. im pretty pissed.
current mood:  sick
current music: broken social scene
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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05/09/05 | 11:57pm
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other than to narrate there is no need for me.
My life is surrounded by a soap operah, but I'm never really in it. I'm there. I hear things. I see things. I feel things. But nothing directly happens to me really. And part of me feels like the eye of a storm, but that doesnt quite feel like a fit any more. I'm very curious tonite. But not to the degree where i feel like nagging or putting any one on the spot. Just a bunch of things are coming together in my head. And they seem to make room for a thousand more. I feel very small and insignificant today, but in the most comforting way. Like if i were to screw up massively that it would be but a small imperfection. That it would effect no one, and barely bother me. I dont know, My mind is in other places.
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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05/08/05 | 11:21pm - Peruvian Mermaid
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To forget,
to forgive by principle,
to be forgiven by ignorance.
To leave it all behind,
the hate, the stupidity,
all vapor of the mind.
Maybe that's why they try,
why they jump,
one last chance to fly,
flinging themselves into never,
All of it to forget,
Forget forever ago,
the injustice, the abuse, the hurt.
If only they had wings,
that would solve it all.
Maybe then they could fly to a place
where they never existed.
Maybe then they could forget,
even if it's limited.
Forever couldn't be undone,
but it would be far away,
and maybe that is good enough.
To forget,
To find unconditional love,
Happiness by principle.
Maybe that's why they jump.
One last chance to fly,
One chance to be forgotten,
to be forgiven,
To start over.
current mood:  calm
current music: Broken social scene- KC Accidental, I beleive
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05/08/05 | 02:54am
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saw the tpw play. saw people. went out after in what felt like at the time to be a fractured group, but it worked. Good food, good discussion, humour. yeah. I was gunna drive some one home but they felt bad when i realized i hadda wake up in six hours. i appreciate that. and i liked that some one else jumped in and didnt mind. that too was nice. Bradito was there. <3. i miss him very very very much. Hes su uncanny and unconventionally funny. Hysterical really. so i have to wake up in five hours. and im not asleep yet. i beleive i am fucked. but the kids dont notice when im corpselike. I just wish some people didnt suck the life out of me, or suck in general. It would make seeing everyone i like a lot easier. These weeks have been long and stupid and moronic, but at least they concluded with, i get to go back to school.
in other news the whole way home i was sure i was gunna get run into. and end up smushed into metal, like playdough squished into a mold. i sometimes entertain these fantasies, and then i get better and i always feel alittle sad.
totally heard a weird story that will now be making me completely self conscious. for the rest of my life. yay.
btw does it make any one else really uncomfortable when people you know fairly well ask you intimate questions in a public forum? cuz im an open person but somethings i hate discussing cuz i feel like it will make peole who dont know me think of me in a way thats not true of myself.
I'm a lot farther from the hill than most, but i feel age appropriate, at times to old, and others very immature. they balance, and make me unique and hard to pin down.
oh and lets not forget to play on my mood swings.
current mood:  sleepy
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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05/03/05 | 03:41pm
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sarah got the job at ikea. yay? even though i wanted it. even though ive been trying to get everything that required minimum experience. but she got it. so lets celebrate my slacker sister. hooray.
current mood: discontent
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| Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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04/20/05 | 12:15am - Hit that bullseye
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Of all the shitty things. this probably takes the cake. rorry got out the other day. ran into the back yard actually alll over the yard. and we were hot on her heals. i walked through all sorts of sketchy plant life. we caught the cat. went inside. got ourselves a lil cleaned up to go to ikea, and i was lint brushing my shirt which was light pink, and i pulled the shoulder of my shirt down to see if there was anything on my back and it was covered in ticks. i totally freaked. i think im gunna itch for life as is. so today im scratching myself cuz i have dry skin, and i look at my upper shoulder and theres a splotch. and my moms right there and im like um whats this. (praying it wasnt what i thought it was) Momma is like umm that looks like abullseye mark. call porter tommorow.
so im looking forward to a blood test and some anti biotics in my very near future. yeah. im really kinda freaking. really. not even freaking though like low grade dread. i hate blood getting taken. unless im donating it. lol. yeah. so after finding that i pulled up the back of my shirt to expose my back (duh) and i was like do you see any more marks. to which mom replied no. so only one little bastard got me. i did not need this. oh and i found this when we were talking about school. tuition, and the infamous dreaded semester off. i dunno. mom said i was a train wreck my first semester. yay me. i consider myself much more like hurricane kate who started strong and just kinda fissled out in the mid atlantic. whatever.
peace and love,
current mood:  freaked
current music: we will rock you - queen
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| Sunday, April 17th, 2005
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04/17/05 | 02:58pm
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quit the job. feel like shit. hate everything. but i feel normal and grounded when i'm in my room thinking about things i shouldn't do.
so tell me that it hurts
tell me that you cry
make up a story.
make it about me.
pad it with compliments.
tell me that i'm great,
and pretend you beleive it.
Lie through your teeth,
announce you missed me.
but when you stop calling,
and start to hate me
just know i didnt pretend,
know i was real.
know that you had me.
check it.
its strange being me.
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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04/10/05 | 12:50am - Fragrance is the only commodity that is recession resistant
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Pros:
got a real job. got contacts. got car registered. i pent thursday adn friday exstatic. I babysat last night. tori is the cutest thing sleeping. sitting around the house for the last time has its benefits. independence. my own master. no free time. having a meaning. feeling wanted. getting paychecks. savings account. the perfect hot chocolate. the cutest waiter (in that little kid way). driving thelma. talked to sue and angie. whoah.
Cons:
Still sick. Still with Hamster. still need headlights for car. been down all day with little moments of glittery glee, only to feel let down. I woke up sore from holding tori while she slept. I fear having a real job. responsibility. anxiety. allergy shots. tied down. no free time. never finding a real meaning. being wanted. not being paid for like a month. paying all my car stuff.
being ok isnt enough anymore.
yeah it sucks to be in my head. cuz i cant just be like today was ok nothing dire happened but no i start looking for like something to really make me happy. like a surprise sale, a friend calling for no reason just to say hi, finding that perfect random thing that you think makes you complete even if you realize you were being silly a week later. I dunno why i got so blue. liek today specifically was good. went bead shopping went to the cafe club, got stellar parking. got to drive thelma! but like the whole time i've had this undertone of ih. j'deteste. whatever the fuck. this is me just being here standing still waiting for some one to like reach out and surprise me.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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02/15/05 | 10:24pm - I am Thelma
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I am depsperately seeking Louise. I have red overtones. I can take you any where. Once you get inside me i'm soft and charming. I like to travel. I like stories, company, and late nights. I may not be beautiful, but I possess age, and with that wisdom. I may not sparkle, but my possibilities are endless. Take me any where and i won't let you down. I am your transportation, and i'll serve you till I die. I'm an Escort. I am merely an automobile.
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02/15/05 | 10:22pm
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TED AND KATE FOREVER!!!!!!
current mood: cynical
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| Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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02/01/05 | 01:13am
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| Monday, January 31st, 2005
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01/31/05 | 10:15pm
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i miss the days when we were profound. When i felt like every day was my last and hated everything but felt so dead and alive. i miss being able to look into myself and see something deeper something more. i miss being introspective and suddenly coming up with amazing thoughts and concepts. i want to find my muse again. i want to learn an instrument and play the saddest songs. i want to cry all night, and dance through the day. i miss when i wasnt self conscious, happily living in oblivion. i miss wheni thought i was from another planet. my old coping mechanism. i miss thinking that the future would be beautiful. i want to know when i stopped beleiving in myself, when i stopped thinking that i could be one of the pretty girls. when did i give up on being the goddess at the pantheon. when did i stop beleiving that things people places and the present was good. when did everything start to turn on me? when did i give up and concede to the way of american life. when did i become less than good enough? when did my parents become so flawed?
current mood: cynical
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| Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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01/27/05 | 03:14pm
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I still want vampire fangs. I really haven't changed that much. I still wanna dye my hair all sorts of crazy collors, and wear knee length goth boots. I still like playing dress up, and wearing crazy make up. I still love getting flowers for myself.
Yeah one of those reminiscent days. I have a cold and junk. i feel all crappy. :( But i made home made iced tea. :) yay the crowd rejoices.
current mood: sick
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005
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01/21/05 | 05:21am
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jesus. I'm writing my resume for pse&g. is it normal to feel like you're gunna pass out throw up and die on the spot? i'm not sure which im looking forward to less. not working or working. my back hurts so much. like it hurts to siut stand lay down roll over mover my legs move my arms yada yada. wth is wrong with me? whatever. here i go. wish me luck.
ok buh bye
current mood: scared
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| Monday, January 17th, 2005
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01/17/05 | 11:52pm
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rasberry sauce over cheesecake skin. really thats all it is. thats all it is.
I could live a perfectl normal life if i never stepped foot in my kitchen again.
I could be ok with my life if i knew why he is so damned smart and just never made the cut. I would be ok with knowing that he had hard knocks, and walked a mile to school. I just want to know why some one as bright as he isnt doing what he loves, isnt happy, and isnt making a fortune. Now who do i ask to enlighten me. at least he's in love with his wife of thirty years. after all this time there's something beyond hollywood thats keeping them together.
today was great except the last hour or so of it. i feel helpless alone and homicidal. I need to take my medicine.
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| Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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01/06/05 | 06:39pm - Beuaty School Drop Out
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I'm being kinds forced to drop out of school. Yeah one semester down and the rest ofmy life to go. Quitting the smoking was not such a good idea. it kept me mellow and happy and the suicidal urges to minimum. Smoking was great i tell you GREAT. So here i go to buy a pack and drive to college and see if any thing is there. If not i'll find some random place to stand outside and smoke so no one can smell me. I'm kinda going through a transition of self loathing to loathing of my surroundings. I hated schol, i hated work, but right now i have to figure out which i hated more. I'm pretty sure working was it, but yeah. I keep reading what people have posted about grade and finals and i keep getting all teary eyed cuz some how i dont think im making it back to school and that scares me. alot. I'm dreaming again which is good andbad. I missed the company of my own insanity, but the anxiety dreams get me pretty down. I'm never getting my grades. ever. my bill is never being paid. I want to be abducted by aliens, or some strange turn of events. I've always wanted a reason to escape. i used to pray to pass out. just a few moments to escape life, somehing i could tell people so when i freaked out i had some substantial evidence for a cause. later i used to want to go into a come, just for a month to a year. then it became a want for car accidents. some car loses control and rams into the driver side of the car. i'd have a compund leg fracture bleeding every where, cuncusion the works. and i'd be gone. And i would be ok with learning how to walk again because the longer it took to walk the longer i was allowed to be away from life. the longer i had a reason to take a vacatoin from myself. but then there were days where i wasnt the driver and that wa my only fear. I dont think i can deal with people who arent myself having control over my fate. So today i begin killing myself at my own pace. a pack of cigarettes and the rest of my life ahead waiting for me to die.
i would have given anything to have something wrong with me. and now that theres a posibilty i wont go for the tests. It cant be major, not an ulcer, just general discomfort. and this is my vacation kids. locked in a house thats not my home with people i dont love. at least i could escape when i was at school.
current mood: crushed
current music: my mixed tape
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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12/04/04 | 04:09am
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wow a day of firsts. first beer first kiss with a girl first kiss with a guy, in that order. Wow totally amazing blown away i could make out with (W)Ren any time. totally in lust, but love is omewhere very close to that my voice sounds liek some one reached down my throat and tore out my larynx, but i think they gave me a bigger heart in the process cuz god i feel amazing. and yeah im not normally like this the whole babbling thing, but omg. definately a night for the history books. mmmm and yes this is saliva on my face and no im not washing off till the morning cuz i like smelling like beer, cigarettes, and him.
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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11/29/04 | 08:35am
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we have officially spent a thousand dollars on a 400 dollar car. yeah i need front breaks and some other stuff. but i NEED this car, because otherwise there is no getting to school... which has its upsides... but i will be calling mom to make sure the check wont bounce. I really am a good girl.
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11/29/04 | 08:07am - Chronic Ailment
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faking one's own death should be punished by the death penalty. Just a thought.
in other news i have a research paper due tommorow... procrasti-fucking-nation. yeah i have an outline a thesis, i just need to write 4 to six pages one genetic modification, since its been done in mice and there are these nifty things called nursery cells which are related to stem cells, and apparently are easily manipulated by "favorable" genes being injected into the nucleas. It works for mice... are men next? btw this has been inspired by the howard stern show. yeah im amazed too. I was listening in the not so wee hours of the morning, thinking about how i should change the chennel but they cut to a traffic report, so i listened since i was traveling abit of distance, and then they did some news, in which howard stern discussed nursery cells and their potential. and what interested me was the cells' name. I was familiar with most cell types like stem, and blah, and so i listened and then got home later and researched it. These nursery cells are really pre sperm cells, that even impotent men produce, and it has positive indications for men who have to go through chemo, or men who cant produce their own sperm cuz even then these pre sperm cells are produced to some degree and can be harvested and blah. yeah this has nothing to do with the word of today which happens to be ailment. Ailment, as in a cold a hurt or pain. Kate has an ailment, and is taking some aleve to relieve the pain in her back. Except kate will not be taking aleve ever again. Even though her sugar daddy says its ok. I woner if i go off the meds if ill be ok again? oh well... I have a cold so excuse the nonsensicleness.
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baby_sephie's journal
